Patriots Football Season: Preview

So for the past, I don't know, 7 years, I've been banished to the world of Patriots-only football. I suppose it was worse during the 2000 season, man they were awful. But it really hasn't improved much since then. As I'm about to spend another season wading through Patriots game after Patriots game, I'll give you all a recap of what happens every single game.

First half: an unproductive offense vs. an unproductive offense, or , in other words, watch the Pats defense carry them. Brady will be mostly ineffective, floating pass after pass over receivers' head. Bellicheck will try at least one cute play, which is met with limited success. However, if somehow the Patriots go down by more than 10, game over, they'll lose. Brady's kind of a whiner, so he'll pout and sulk and whine to all his players. The commentators will call this being a "competitor." On the other hand, if the Patriots are losing (or winning I guess) by less than 10, they'll win, really no doubt about it. As the teams head in to the locker room for halftime, if you're lucky the sideline reporter will have a quick interview with Bellicheck. He'll have this look of utter hatred on his face, like he's gonna go all crazy on Bonnie Bernstein and her weird hat.

Third quarter: The boringest part of the whole game. The Patriots will spend the whole quarter grinding out one series. Run for three yards, quick pass for four, run for three, repeat ad naseum. At this point the commentators discuss Brady's importance in the course of human history; most place him somewhere between Guttenburg, inventor of the printing press, and Pasteur, father of modern germ theory. I think he's the Derek Jeter of football.

Fourth Quarter: Usually the other team finds some way to make it interesting, but somehow, on the game winning drive on like the Patriot's 10 yard line, the quarterback will throw an awful pass right to Brusci. He'll run it back and the game's over; and the commentators are marveled how the Patriots always find a way to win. Yea, it's called not losing the ball in the last five minutes, or, if you do, draw up some obscure rule that doesn't make sense.

Teams I'd rather watch all of their games:
Panthers: They're a wacky team, absolutely no consistency. One week they slaughter the Patriots, next, Denton High School roles over them. Plus, Fox is a nutcase.
Bengals: This may be a train wreck of a season, as half the team is on bail and completely crazy.
Jets: Of course, we may get 5 wins this season.